Election day is looming…and here we are. Answering the phone and hanging up on that recorded girl who sounds so chirpy you’re sure she’s not human. Reading about the latest thing a candidate said that they shouldn’t have said. Wondering who you’ll vote for. Deciding who you won’t vote for (the process of elimination seems to be working for me).
After all these weeks, one leaders’ debate, and a bunch of articles and platform reading, I’ve made my choice. I’m ready. I’m going to vote, and I’m not going to talk about who I voted for.
But there’s still the delicate matter of how to deal with friends and coworkers who want to have the political “discussion.”
You know what how it happens: you’re stranded in the break room with your coffee cup, unable to get a pod for the new-fangled coffee machine because somebody is blocking the coffee pod table, talking you up about how the PC government has to go, how the Wildrose party is full of weirdos, how they’re planning to vote NDP or why the Liberals are finally going to have their day…and you can’t get your coffee. Horrors.
Or the friends who fill their Facebook timelines with political messages and repost and likes and comments from candidate. You’re mildly embarrassed by their choices or sure they’d be horrified by yours, and you don’t want to be shown the error of your ways.
Or the little old lady in your building who stands and holds the elevator door open so that she can have an earnest talk with you about how that young man with the Wildrose party was right when it came to how good it is to be white.
All of these scenarios? Awkward. I’ve run across all of them, and I’ve tried to get out of them with varying degrees of success. The polite nod and the “oh really?” doesn’t do it. The ‘we’ll just have to agree to disagree’ sounds like you’ve given up. Every time you put your fingers in your ears and say “la la la la la,” somebody gets offended.
So I’ve come up with a list of suggestions on how to avoid the “discussion” that you know will turn into a a half hour lecture:
1. Start talking about how you think your your cats would vote. Granted, this works better if you’re a single and female and wearing sneakers with dress pants because you leave your work shoes at work. But you can talk about the Alberta Party Kittenand how you think the cats feel about the whole rat-free province thing.
PRO: It should put a stop to the political talk quickly. Especially if you use say what you think the cats would say. In the voice you think the cats would use.
CON: You’ll be reinforcing the crazy cat lady/guy thing.
2. If you have a small child, discuss its toileting habits. It’s OK if the child is still in diapers — discuss the bad things that happen when diapers fail. If the child is potty-training, so much the better. If the child is old enough to be mortified, discuss your concerns about the lack of fiber in young people’s diets. If you don’t have a child, discuss the state of your own bowels.
PRO: poo-poo talk is usually enough to stop most political debates. In fact, it’s usually enough to stop most conversations.
CON: it’s poo-poo talk.
3. Invent a candidate – make up a name and say that you once dated him/her. Suggest that the date did not go well, but quickly add that the candidate was not, as you recall, “handsy.” Pause. Then wink.
PRO: political intrigue is fun, especially when you can’t be sued for libel.
CON: people think you date politicians.
4. Unfriend the friends who tweet and Facebook political stuff. Do it quietly and if they discover you’ve done it, blame that Facebook guy, whathisname. “I can’t believe it! It must have been that crazy timeline thing!”
PRO: it just might work.
CON: friends might become suspicious if you can’t name the guy who runs Facebook or if you suddenly friend them the day after the election. Awkward…
5. Pretend that you didn’t know there was an election. “What? You mean those aren’t garage sale signs?” Affect an air of astonishment, and then act like friends are making it up when they try to correct you.
PRO: if you do it just right, you can pull it off. Do not start giggle-snorting. Think of dead pets. You can do this.
CON: If you giggle-snort, all is lost. If you don’t giggle-snort, though, friends may think they need to stage an intervention. Plus, you’ve been thinking about dead pets the whole time.
6. If your friends and coworkers are true political hacks, just keep saying “vote early, vote often!” Laugh uproariously. Then say, “no, really, I mean it!” Laugh some more.
PRO: they’ll become so aggrieved that they’ll stop.
CON: you’re being kind of jerky.
Good luck!
(and don’t forget to vote, OK?)
